post h-ween // pre fff wkend!!!

National news has been so depressing lately. Serial killer in Cleveland. Shootings at Fort Hood and Orlando. And no doubt countless of other stories that I've not heard.

But last weekend Haley came to visit and we went to see Peaches on Halloween night and Gogol Bordello the next day, both at Stubbs. We also went to The Disco House party, Bellami's birthday, the literary boys house party, and nearly a bridge party. All in all too much fun was had! Haley was a mermaid. I was skullface and the color silver. And now I'm sick, which suxx cuz this weekend is another killer.

haley & me

taken by stephanie c.

Tonight Haley and Kolbe are coming, I have radio show, there's a party at my house that I was actually invited to, and another at Arrakis co-op. FFF is this weekend, very excited! I hate how every year some naysayer has to bring up the fact that "this year's lineup isn't as good as last year's." Which is total bullshit. They think it's not as good because they aren't educated enough in musical lore to know enough bands in the lineup. Therefore they are inclined to believe that it isn't good. Fuckkerz. It will be hella amazing to finally be able to see SSION!

cody critcheloe

prolly stolen from ssion's myspace

Then that night apparently there's a party at The House of Commons with bands and kegs and lovely co-op kids. Also there's the 4th annual Pearl Street Co-op's techno nonsense party with djs and kegs and jello shots. We know one or two of the people involved in it, so we'll get in. It seems a bit ridiculous to me to have to be on a list for this, but whatever. It will prolly be funnn.

I guess I'll do homework on Sunday. I am the shittiest student I know, by fucking far!!! I don't know what's wrong with me. It's just not important in the slightest. All I need to do is graduate. Shit like what numbers / rankings I walk with is frankly irrevelant to life. And if based on the lowness of those scores I don't get a specific job then probably that path wasn't meant for me. I'll work it out. I always do.

Fuck it and Lurve always!

white skin

Race relations are such bullshit.
At the risk of being stoned for my extremist and politically racist sounding views, I will attempt to air them here.

First just for fun let's discuss my own "ethnic" background. I am basically 3/4 "white" and 1/4 "black." However, when you glance at me, you wouldn't be able to tell. Hence I can "pass for white." If you decide to stare at me for an indeterminable amount of time you might be able to see some stereotypical "black" racial markers, such as my curly hair, squeezable ass, and wide non-european nose structure. Yet, my skin doesn't even come close to the color black. It is not even all that brown. More like a light tan color. According to the archaic "one drop rule" I am completely "black."

one is 1/2 Korean & 1/2 white; the other is 3/4 white & 1/4 black

taken by lazzy (prolly)

As a young child I didn't invest much time into thinking about my racial situation. But as I grew older it was clear to me that other people were much more interested than I was. Questions such as "What are you?" and statements like "You look ethnic!" started coming my way. Obviously I was different. Everyone else made me painfully aware of my unusual looks. Anyway so this perceived difference soon came to plague my pre-teen and early teen years. That self consciousness fucked me up. I felt like an outcast. I felt like everyone was constantly looking at me and trying to figure out what racial category to put me in. I felt ugly. I didn't want to be noticed. I wanted to be invisible. I never left the house and didn't really have any friends.

My raced body seemed like my worst attribute at the time. I used to wish that I could be someone else; someone who was simply "white" or simply "black" and never had to figure out what they were or where they belonged. My life was put on hold until I finally realized the answer to life's problems is just to say FUCK YOU to everyone. And suddenly life was a lot better. People were just dumb and hilarious. I've been called everything from a "mutt" to "Asian." All I really care about is that people know me for me and not my supposedly "different" background.

jazmine from the boondocks is my hero

taken from the houston chronicle

Well that was quite the story, wasn't it? Let's get to the real point. I have recently discovered that it pisses the shit out of me, that I am expected to identify different types of brown people with the countries of their origin. For instance, Latinos can be Mexican American, Cuban American, Colombian American. All politically correct terms. However, it is also PC for brown people to call me "white" or "black." I think this is fucked. If I have to be known as a color, so should they. No longer will I pay attention to where people are from. If they fucking want equal treatment, they'll get it. Same thing with Asians. Japanese American, Chinese American, Korean American. Fuck it. They are all yellow to me. In essence no matter how racist it sounds I am refusing to identify people by their heritage. It's all about the skin color, y'all. Maybe I could get ultra specific about the colorings. Like Albinos are eggshell white. Something more accurate like that.

I think taking two race classes at the same time this semester was a terrible idea.

Fuck it and Lurve always!

good feelings

This last weekend was super fun, for once! Apparently I bought 2 grams but didn't take any, w/e. Jacquita and I went to that Massive Art Attack thing at Scoot Inn. It was the first time either of us had been there. The crowd was intense. Indie hipsters galore. Moreno was there and Taty, too. She was drunkkkk. During this Latin-flavored DJ set she was up on the catwalk dancing with the HEYLOOKATME crowd. The art was unsatisfactory. There wasn't enough to have a massive art attack or even just a paint coronary. I'm not saying that the little that was there sucked. Actually a few were interesting concepts.

Inside, we saw Freshmillions which is pretty good. Basically white people music infused with some funk. Too many people were watching with us. No room. My ass must have been rubbed by 40% of the audience. Hawt. I think we only stayed for an hour. We weren't drinking. But I did get in with only $2 instead of full cost at $5. I only had 2 paper monies and the rest I was going to pay with silver, but the dude at the door didn't want to deal with it. Awesome. That was my Friday.

Massive Art Attack Flyer

stolen from the KVRX blog

On Saturday I hung out with my parents. I ate too much and walked around too much. My mommy made me baked goods. I love her. After parents time, I went to a haunted house with Marar and Annie. We met up with some kids there. I was terrified. Annie held my sweaty, disgusting hand the whole way through. Some kid I didn't know let me clutch his forearm for support. Dude, I screamed the most and the loudest. My upper lip was trembling. I am a fucking scaredy cat. Shyyit.

After that I had to develop a costume for Sarah's party in like 10 min. I became a demented soccer player. I used my severed foot to add reality to the outfit. It consisted of muay thai shorts that Denise had given me, my athletic socks, sea dogs shirt, and pullover half sweater dealie. The foot used to belong to my rival, but then I hacked it off and keep it as a good luck charm. Duh. The party was fucking fun. Prolly due to the fact that I drank a metric ass-ton of vodka. Best worst idea ever! All the kids were there and that was super fun. I danced dirty and got even dirtier looks from uptight white girls. And then I was walked home!

marar & wolfman

stolen from marar's fb [taken by annie!]

Next Friday is going to be so BA! If you aren't there, you'll be sorry. It's going to suck having to buy alchiehol. So much monies about to be spent. Jaysus Chrizzist. I believe our house is going to get TRASHED. I intend to have the best time and hope to spend it with a certain someone.

Fuck it and Lurve always!

another friday

So today is another Friday. Meaning I will do another radio show, maybe go to an art show, prolly take shrooms, maybe eat some cupcakes. I dunno, man. Usually I am good with drinking but not the psychedelics. Back in the day I was the do nothing chick. No drinks / No drugs / No nothing.

poison apple or shrooms ?

photo by Chris Craymer

Now = Yes drinks / Maybe drugs / Yes some things. I think I have slightly evolved as a person. I still have a strong aversion to smoking. When people ask about it, I usually tell the story about me having poor lungs from childhood. This is a true story; actually I used to have pretty bad asthma. I have since grown out of it. It's pretty bizarre, though, since like ALL of my friends are stoners. Whenever I'm in a circle, they always habitually pass it to me and I always politely refuse. I'm the one who always has lighters. Sometimes I'm a bit of a klepto. And a pyro.

The Uncompromising 80s

painted by Kelsey Brookes

Shrooms. My best friend goes to school at MICA, one of the best art schools in the country, and has taken many a psychedelic. She has always told me about her experiences on substances and they were always basically good. I think it'll be pretty interesting. I'll be with la chicas I trust fairly well and in a safe place. Might as well try it while I'm still young and shit. I've also been reading The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test in which they do many colorful drugs. It's piqued my curiosity.

Fuck it and Lurve always!

alternate universe

In an alternate universe, I would be a fifteen year old boy. Just scraping by in high school in some horrible suburban town. All day I would skate old drainage ditches and listen to deathcore. I would eat pizza and drink coke for breakfast. Lunch would be tacos with a shitton of guac and maybe some beer if I could swing it. Dinner would only happen if I stuck around long enough for my mom to find me at home. Otherwise I would escape with my fucked up board and slightly askew badass hat into the humid dark night. Goddamn that's rad.

Bring Me The Horizon [more like metalcore, but w/e]

stolen from Banquet Records

Sadly that is but a dream. So instead I must live with the way I am right now. 21, a girl, in college, unmotivated, shit student, avid TV watcher, compulsive music downloader, crap parker, idiot cartoon drawer, drunk partier, slow texter, frugal buyer, etc. to infinity. MUTHAFUCKA. I feel like sloth.

my sloth power animal

stolen from sloths.org

Here is my average day: wake up at 7am / turn off alarm / climb back into bed / wake up again at 7:30am / debate taking shower / eat breakfast instead / look at news stories / figure out hw shit i didn't do the night before / go to class / fall asleep / go to next class / fall asleep / go home / eat lunch / watch soapnet / go back to class / fall asleep / go back home / internet / TV / dinner / TV / internet / think about doing hw / internet / hw / sleep or don't sleep.
I feel like REMOTARD.

remotards from "The Ringer"

stolen from Rouser Multizine

I do have dreams.
I 'm just too much of an idiot to let them happen.
Too scared to go out on a limb.
Too stuck in this shit rut.
What happened to me?

Fuck it and Lurve always!

the way i feel inside

Today my children, I would like to talk about a little problem I have with communicating my feelings and desires. The Zombies knew exactly what I am fucking talking about with their song aptly titled "The Way I Feel Inside." Especially the end encapsulates me.

But till I can see
That you'd really care for me
I'll keep trying to hide
The way I feel inside

A lot of my friends who I've known for a really long time don't really know me. They know the quirky girl who doesn't give a shit about anything. However, that is only a slim image of my character. It's my own damn fault, though. I am really shy and people scare me. I have trust issues. I don't want to have diarrhea of the mouth and tell everyone everything about me. I have been told that I'm something of a "mystery." People sometimes think I dislike them. Really I just don't make much of an effort if I think there is no connection.

the zombies [circa a long time ago - 1960's?]

stolen from Rock God Cred

I love my parents, but they never really talked to me about stuff back in the day. As retarded as it sounds, I feel like I was never taught / socialized to deal with "woman problems." Just like things that you should know if you're going to be female in this country.

Carmen Brady, bodybuilder extraordinaire

stolen from her website

But definitely the worst part of my affliction is that I ignore / suppress my feelings. I have to feel that connection strongly and if I don't then I'll keep hiding. I'll keep saying maybe next weekend he'll seem like he likes me just as much as I like him. And then maybe I'll be able to say how I feel inside. I'm 21 years old and have never had a "real" boyfriend. Just stupid flings with boys who didn't excite me.

Fuck it and Lurve always!

Fuck it.

That's right, go ahead.

School is balls.

Scrotie: RISD's mascot

stolen from the flickr photostream of e d d d d d d d i e

I know my constant "I hate college" is annoying and makes me seem like an utter slacker, but it's how I feel. It's also very ungrateful and selfish of me to insult my parents' dream of me getting a higher education. Basically all I've learned is that procrastination will make you stressed out, yet usually ends in alright work.

At this very moment I should be writing a 3 page paper on the education system and why minorities and poor kids have a shitty learning experience. I also must define these concepts as a part of the mid-term. There is a circulation report due in my magazine management class. GREAT. I mean yeah it's my own poor time skills and sheer laziness that has gotten me into this predicament, but in my opinion I shouldn't have to suffer for people to think that I'm smart.

Fuck being educated. Fuck being rich. Fuck status. Fuck everything. A week or so ago this kid jumped off of San Antonio garage to his death. This was during UT's safety week. The Daily Texan then ran this article about the fact that the university has counseling services. Let the dry laughter ensue.

San Antonio Garage

stolen from UT parking website

Lurve always!